I am a Jew and I went to church yesterday. It's complicated but this is how it happened. Back in December I was amidst my callbacks for the show Lenny & Lou. I was up for the roll of Lou and naturally I would have killed for the part. I told my roommate who is a devout Christian to pray for me. He said, "I will." And then he said something along the lines of, "You know, God loves you too, Mate (he's from New Zealand) and he'll listen to your prayers as well. You can pray to Him also." So I said, "I will and if I get the part I will attend church with you one of these days." He always bragged how awesome his church was and he always seemed to come home very happy. So if you've been following my blogs you know that I did get the part. I have been putting it off long enough so I told my roommate that I am a man of my word (and I am) and tonight would be the night. He was stoked. So after work at MTV (had to plug my new job) I walked to the Times Square Church on 51st Street and Broadway and met Dylan (my roommmate) and this was my experience:

The church was nothing but a converted Broadway Theatre. It was basically packed. No staind glass windows or crucifix's in sight. Just the theatre, the stage and it's occupants. I liked it already. Now here's the weird part. I did feel out of place. No one but myself and Dylan would ever know that I was Jewish yet I still felt so out of place. Like I really didn't belong. I truly felt like a minority. Probably not even a fraction of what a person of "real" ethnic diversity must face everyday.

At exactly 7:05pm the curtain parts to reveal a band, a black man at a grand piano and a 50 - 60 person nearly all black gospel choir. Nearly everyone standing, clapping, singing out the Lord's name, Jesus, Our Savior. It was a sight. Very moving. I was still pretty bashful and I was barely clapping. I couldn't help but look all around me. It wasn't the song, the words, the music or even the spirit of God that captured me. It was watching how the spirit of God captured everyone around me. It was real folks. Really real...for them. I envied them. All of them. They were praying to something real...to them...something so tangible...to them...as real as the laptop I am typing on. The joy, the glory.

I must imagine it to be something like this:

You know how when you first meet someone you really connect with on a romantic level? That excitement, the joy, the feeling of total inspiration like you can accomplish anything? This is, I imagine what these true believers must feel everyday or at the very least when they come to this church.

The singing went on for a total of 45 minutes. The praises, the hands waving in the air, the tears, the singing, the dancing in place, eyes closed and arms outstretched to the Lord. A congregation of all races, sexes, ages, social and economic status' all unified in song and glory praying to one God, their God, their Savior, Jesus Christ. The music was great, and seeing everyone so moved was moving in it of itself. Did I feel the presence of God? I don't think so. But I tried. I kept a completely open mind. I closed my eyes. I raised my hands even. I felt foolish but I did it anyway. I wanted to feel what the black man wearing those black & white checkered chef's pants in front of me was feeling. He was definitely feeling the love. screaming out "Glory!" and "Yes, Jesus" and "Hallelujah!" I have never seen someone so happy. So exalted. So FREE. Again. Envy.

And at some point during the 45 minutes of Song and Dance in the name of the Lord a pack of young hot women came in and walked up the stairs past Dylan and I. Naturally, as a heterosexual man...a NON-devout christian, and a flat out horny Jew, I looked. No. I stared. No, I gawked at the lovely asses of these young women.

"PRAISE JESUS!!" I wanted to shout. "Amen!"

Then I realized that I am in church and turned to Dylan and shouted over the music, "I must really need saving!" in reference to my impure thoughts. He shouted back, "You're in the right place, Mate!" Amen!

Now when all the singing, dancing, and praising was done, an 80 year old preacher with lots of childlike energy gave a sermon. Telling stories of Jesus and his deciples from the book of Matthew. They were quite humorous. Of course there was a current/relevant message for each story told. The response was amazing. The preacher/congregation relationship was like a group of people reminiscing about the old days, telling stories of a long lost friend and what a character he was. "Oh that Jesus, he done it again. What a character!" Praise be Him. Mm Mm MMM!"

Two stories stuck in my mind. The first was the story of Jesus with the utmost humility washed the feet of his deciples. What I got from this was that NO person is greater than another and we should all be servants to each other. Tom Cruise is no greater than the coffee vendor who served me coffee on the way to work this morning.

The second story was that with Jesus walking on water. He called out to Peter to come join him and Peter leapt from his boat and walked toward Jesus on the water. When he looked down and realized he was on the water he immediately sank. The message here I take it was, with faith you can walk on water and with doubt you will surely sink.

Am I a convert? No. Am I a Jew for Jesus now? No. Do I want to believe? Absolutely. Saying you believe is one thing. But truly believing it and feeling that presence in your heart with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY like Dylan and the rest of the people around me do is a whole other realm of existence that the rest of us can not comprehend. I must say they are happier, free-er and they don't fear death. Heaven to them is as real a place as New York City.

The skeptics (including myself) will say, you can't see God, you can't taste, smell, hear, or physically touch Him. So how can he possibly REALLY, TRULY exist? But the retort to this is -- Love. You can't see it, taste it, smell it, hear it or physically touch it... but you know it's there and it does exist. Interesting, huh?

Although I am not religious, I am still so proud to be Jewish. But the stories of Jesus and the bible are marvelous and I can't say for sure if all of them, or some of them or even any of them are true. However they definitely carry a relevant message that is timeless.

I for one am trying real hard to believe in Something. A presence greater than myself. I am also a realist. I along with the rest of us need a logical, scientific explanation for our existence. But naturally when times get real tough, and our pain and sorrow become too much for us as human beings to bare it is always easier to know that there is a higher power for us out there that will give us strength, listen to our pain and guide us through a dark time. This is certainly better than the alternative - which is...well...nothing. It's always better to believe in SOMETHING than nothing. Right? So my journey toward faith will continue. In the meantime, I still believe in the overall message of Jesus and the bible and that is: Spread Peace and Love across the planet and have faith that a better day is upon us. How's that for profoundness!?

Now go! Spread the word! Godspeed! And may the forces of nature bring a blessed Spirit to your heart - and release the impurity of Satan with a great big fart!

Posted by Todd Wall at 10:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I am in pain right now. Horrible stomach pains from my Crohns and I can't sleep and I don't have any painkillers. It is 3:42 in the morning. My topic will be my Crohn's since I have to suffer through an occasional night of misery and abdominal cramping (Ladies - I GET IT! I know where you're coming from...so shut up!!) and tonight happens to be one of those nights. This blog will be a trilogy. I want to talk about some of the medevil borderline barbaric testing I and everyone who suffers from Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitus had to endure. I will entitle the first part, Part I: The Upper GI: The Colon Invasion (the current blog you are reading) then Part II - The Colonoscopy: A New Scope, and finally Part III - The Barium Enima: Consider Your Colon Fucked

First: What is Crohn's?

"Crohn’s disease is an ongoing disorder that causes inflammation of the digestive tract, also referred to as the gastrointestinal (GI) tract. Crohn’s disease can affect any area of the GI tract, from the mouth to the anus (your asshole), but it most commonly affects the lower part of the small intestine, called the ileum. The swelling extends deep into the lining of the affected organ. The swelling can cause pain and can make the intestines empty frequently, resulting in diarrhea.

Crohn’s disease is an inflammatory bowel disease, the general name for diseases that cause swelling in the intestines. Because the symptoms of Crohn’s disease are similar to other intestinal disorders, such as irritable bowel syndrome and ulcerative colitis, it can be difficult to diagnose. Ulcerative colitis causes inflammation and ulcers in the top layer of the lining of the large intestine. In Crohn’s disease, all layers of the intestine may be involved, and normal healthy bowel can be found between sections of diseased bowel.

Crohn’s disease affects men and women equally and seems to run in some families. About 20 percent of people with Crohn’s disease have a blood relative with some form of inflammatory bowel disease, most often a brother or sister and sometimes a parent or child. Crohn’s disease can occur in people of all age groups, but it is more often diagnosed in people between the ages of 20 and 30. People of Jewish heritage have an increased risk of developing Crohn’s disease..."

In order to diagnose Crohn’s Disease you have to go through a series of GI (Gastro Intestinal) tests. And as I said before, The Upper GI is the first.

The Upper GI seems harmless on paper (you drink a milkshake like substance called Barium and you lie on a table that spins around while a camera captures the barium as it moves through your digestive system. And there is a TV monitor where you can watch it go through your insides. YEEEEEEEEEEEeah!!!! COOOOOoooooL!! At least that’s how my mom described it to me when I was 12 before I went into the radiology room at the Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia.

Here’s what really happened:

First I am given a super sized cup full of barium to drink. Barium is a very thick chalky, puke inducing substance that you have to drink in a relatively short amount of time. Once I consumed this tasty gargantuan cup of milky chalk I was brought into a VERY cold and VERY steril room and the doctor gave me a Dixie cup of this sodium powder. It was definitely a Dixie Cup because I remember the joke on it: What kind of train carries bubble gum? Answer: A Chew Chew Train. HAHAHAAha. I just laughed and laughed and laughed.

So He tells me,

“The moment your saliva comes in contact with the sodium, it will foam up so do NOT allow your tongue/saliva to touch this. You need to throw it back. Pretend like you’re doing a shot. [Jerkoff, I’m 12, what the fuck is a shot?] Right to the back of the throat. Oh and the moment you swallow it, it is going to create a major bloating sensation, but you CANNOT BURP. Do NOT belch. We need the sodium to expand your stomach so we can follow the barium through your digestive track. O.k.? Here you go.”

Thanks doc. After finishing the BIG GULP of delicious tasting barium, can’t wait to chase it back with a Dixie Cup full of pure sodium crystals – you fuckin’ prick.

SO. First try, what happens? The stuff hits my tongue, foams up as if I’ve taken PopRocks candy and soda, and it just oozes out of my mouth. Must have looked like something out of a B-rated horror flick.

Take two. I throw it back, I get it to the back of my throat and of course it creates the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE bloating sensation. I suddenly had a flash back to my Fraternity Hell Night back in college when I was forced to do a beer funnel after shot gunning a pepsi. I can here the panic in the doctor’s voice, “Don’t Belch. Don’t belch! DO -NOT - BURP!”

Fuck that! I let out an extremely loud and nasty 23 second, 180 decibal pure sodium burp. At the end of the burp, I vomited some barium on his scrubs. God, you were right, Ma. This is some fun shit.

Take three. I finally got it right. It was a battle though. Everytime I felt the belch, I had to keep it in, keep swallowing. It was hard. Uncomfortable. Actually, quite painful.

The rest of the procedure was basically lying on a moving table while the radiologist follows the barium all the way through my entire digestive system. From the esophagus to the colon. At the end of the procedure – now here’s the fun part - I let out a really nice, explosive and a somewhat melodic 42 second fart. That one was for you, Doc.

Then, I got to shit this milky, chalky barium for the next 3 days. Gosh. I love Crohn’s.

Posted by Todd Wall at 3:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Poodles are gay dogs

What could possibly be worse than looking for a job OR an apartment in New York? … Besides a slow painful death.

Speaking of which, I start a new job at a major network on Monday. I am very excited. My title will be Executive Floater...Yeah, I'm not sure either. The title combines almost two polar opposite terms:
Executive: A person or group having administrative or managerial authority in an organization. One with purpose.
Floater: One who wanders; a drifter. One without purpose.
I'll be a manager there with absolutely NO managerial authority. My job will be to drift about the floors, randomly tell people what to do and they'll just tell me to "Fuck off!"

Seriously, an Executive Floater sounds more like something you do in the bathroom.

But I am still excited and when the time is right I will pitch a reality series about the whole process of creating a reality series. It will be cutting edge and quite confusing...

When a friend introduces someone to their friend and they say, "Oh, I heard so much about you!" Let's just skip the stupid addage, "Oh...well, all good things I hope." [hardee har har]"

If at any time during any stage of a relationship a person says they're confused about how they feel. Simply help them with their confusion. Yeah. Slap them upside the head. Clear things up for them a bit. Then walk away. No, in fact, run. Run like the wind! (They'll probably call the cops).

Who are these jerksoffs who brush their teeth in the bathroom at work after lunch. Fucking obsessive don’t you think. I mean I have enough prescription drugs in my book bag that could probably put a Duane Reade Pharmacy out of business but bringing your tooth brush to work to brush your teeth?! Now THAT'S a neurotic, annoying, corporate fuck and I’d love to choke him with his own suspenders!

Why is it that women, the really hot modally type women walk so freaking fast in New York. Seriously, the hotter the woman the faster she walks. They can be in massive heels and a mini skirt with a heavy coach bag at their side and I’ll be in my workout pants and comfortable sneakers and I can never catch up to them. In fact, that’s why I have to work out and go to the gym. I need to be in shape just to stalk them.

When my alarm would go off before work (back in the day) I'd get so angery. Then I learned how to get even with my alarm. I'd set my alarm to go off on the weekends, this way, when it goes off, I can say, “Fuck you, alarm clock! I don’t HAVE to go to work, it’s Saturday and I can sleep and sleep and sleep!" But what happens is when I turn it off I can’t fall back asleep!!! AAAAHH!
Damn I love that snooze button. I swear as the years go on, I set my alarm clock earlier and earlier so I can snooze longer and longer. Shit, pretty soon I’ll be setting my alarm to go off about 10 minutes after I go to bed and just snooze for like the next eight hours.

I am so fucking broke. I went to the ATM to withdraw $40. Nothing but dust flew out of the machine. So then I tried to see my account balance. I swear the message on the screen read: “Hahahahahaha!!”

And hopefully I won't be broke for long. I am glad I am rejoining the workforce after being unemployed for the past 3 months. I have become quite the lazy one during my time off. Not only would I not fall asleep till like 5am and get up...oh 'round...2pm...but, I would burn many of my day minutes before I got out of bed just by checking my fucking email from my cell. You see? I literally refused to get out of bed to walk 2 feet to my desk and check my email from my actual computer...and NOT be charged!!! Now That's taking laziness to a whooooole 'nother level. Yes, I am a bum. But I now have a job. I am a bum with a purpose. For I am an Executive Floater... Speaking of which, I need to go to the bathroom and fire a couple of Executive Floaters...

Posted by Todd Wall at 2:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)