I am in pain right now. Horrible stomach pains from my Crohns and I can't sleep and I don't have any painkillers. It is 3:42 in the morning. My topic will be my Crohn's since I have to suffer through an occasional night of misery and abdominal cramping (Ladies - I GET IT! I know where you're coming from...so shut up!!) and tonight happens to be one of those nights. This blog will be a trilogy. I want to talk about some of the medevil borderline barbaric testing I and everyone who suffers from Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitus had to endure. I will entitle the first part, Part I: The Upper GI: The Colon Invasion (the current blog you are reading) then Part II - The Colonoscopy: A New Scope, and finally Part III - The Barium Enima: Consider Your Colon Fucked

First: What is Crohn's?

"Crohn’s disease is an ongoing disorder that causes inflammation of the digestive tract, also referred to as the gastrointestinal (GI) tract. Crohn’s disease can affect any area of the GI tract, from the mouth to the anus (your asshole), but it most commonly affects the lower part of the small intestine, called the ileum. The swelling extends deep into the lining of the affected organ. The swelling can cause pain and can make the intestines empty frequently, resulting in diarrhea.

Crohn’s disease is an inflammatory bowel disease, the general name for diseases that cause swelling in the intestines. Because the symptoms of Crohn’s disease are similar to other intestinal disorders, such as irritable bowel syndrome and ulcerative colitis, it can be difficult to diagnose. Ulcerative colitis causes inflammation and ulcers in the top layer of the lining of the large intestine. In Crohn’s disease, all layers of the intestine may be involved, and normal healthy bowel can be found between sections of diseased bowel.

Crohn’s disease affects men and women equally and seems to run in some families. About 20 percent of people with Crohn’s disease have a blood relative with some form of inflammatory bowel disease, most often a brother or sister and sometimes a parent or child. Crohn’s disease can occur in people of all age groups, but it is more often diagnosed in people between the ages of 20 and 30. People of Jewish heritage have an increased risk of developing Crohn’s disease..."

In order to diagnose Crohn’s Disease you have to go through a series of GI (Gastro Intestinal) tests. And as I said before, The Upper GI is the first.

The Upper GI seems harmless on paper (you drink a milkshake like substance called Barium and you lie on a table that spins around while a camera captures the barium as it moves through your digestive system. And there is a TV monitor where you can watch it go through your insides. YEEEEEEEEEEEeah!!!! COOOOOoooooL!! At least that’s how my mom described it to me when I was 12 before I went into the radiology room at the Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia.

Here’s what really happened:

First I am given a super sized cup full of barium to drink. Barium is a very thick chalky, puke inducing substance that you have to drink in a relatively short amount of time. Once I consumed this tasty gargantuan cup of milky chalk I was brought into a VERY cold and VERY steril room and the doctor gave me a Dixie cup of this sodium powder. It was definitely a Dixie Cup because I remember the joke on it: What kind of train carries bubble gum? Answer: A Chew Chew Train. HAHAHAAha. I just laughed and laughed and laughed.

So He tells me,

“The moment your saliva comes in contact with the sodium, it will foam up so do NOT allow your tongue/saliva to touch this. You need to throw it back. Pretend like you’re doing a shot. [Jerkoff, I’m 12, what the fuck is a shot?] Right to the back of the throat. Oh and the moment you swallow it, it is going to create a major bloating sensation, but you CANNOT BURP. Do NOT belch. We need the sodium to expand your stomach so we can follow the barium through your digestive track. O.k.? Here you go.”

Thanks doc. After finishing the BIG GULP of delicious tasting barium, can’t wait to chase it back with a Dixie Cup full of pure sodium crystals – you fuckin’ prick.

SO. First try, what happens? The stuff hits my tongue, foams up as if I’ve taken PopRocks candy and soda, and it just oozes out of my mouth. Must have looked like something out of a B-rated horror flick.

Take two. I throw it back, I get it to the back of my throat and of course it creates the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE bloating sensation. I suddenly had a flash back to my Fraternity Hell Night back in college when I was forced to do a beer funnel after shot gunning a pepsi. I can here the panic in the doctor’s voice, “Don’t Belch. Don’t belch! DO -NOT - BURP!”

Fuck that! I let out an extremely loud and nasty 23 second, 180 decibal pure sodium burp. At the end of the burp, I vomited some barium on his scrubs. God, you were right, Ma. This is some fun shit.

Take three. I finally got it right. It was a battle though. Everytime I felt the belch, I had to keep it in, keep swallowing. It was hard. Uncomfortable. Actually, quite painful.

The rest of the procedure was basically lying on a moving table while the radiologist follows the barium all the way through my entire digestive system. From the esophagus to the colon. At the end of the procedure – now here’s the fun part - I let out a really nice, explosive and a somewhat melodic 42 second fart. That one was for you, Doc.

Then, I got to shit this milky, chalky barium for the next 3 days. Gosh. I love Crohn’s.