Poodles are gay dogs

What could possibly be worse than looking for a job OR an apartment in New York? … Besides a slow painful death.

Speaking of which, I start a new job at a major network on Monday. I am very excited. My title will be Executive Floater...Yeah, I'm not sure either. The title combines almost two polar opposite terms:
Executive: A person or group having administrative or managerial authority in an organization. One with purpose.
Floater: One who wanders; a drifter. One without purpose.
I'll be a manager there with absolutely NO managerial authority. My job will be to drift about the floors, randomly tell people what to do and they'll just tell me to "Fuck off!"

Seriously, an Executive Floater sounds more like something you do in the bathroom.

But I am still excited and when the time is right I will pitch a reality series about the whole process of creating a reality series. It will be cutting edge and quite confusing...

When a friend introduces someone to their friend and they say, "Oh, I heard so much about you!" Let's just skip the stupid addage, "Oh...well, all good things I hope." [hardee har har]"

If at any time during any stage of a relationship a person says they're confused about how they feel. Simply help them with their confusion. Yeah. Slap them upside the head. Clear things up for them a bit. Then walk away. No, in fact, run. Run like the wind! (They'll probably call the cops).

Who are these jerksoffs who brush their teeth in the bathroom at work after lunch. Fucking obsessive don’t you think. I mean I have enough prescription drugs in my book bag that could probably put a Duane Reade Pharmacy out of business but bringing your tooth brush to work to brush your teeth?! Now THAT'S a neurotic, annoying, corporate fuck and I’d love to choke him with his own suspenders!

Why is it that women, the really hot modally type women walk so freaking fast in New York. Seriously, the hotter the woman the faster she walks. They can be in massive heels and a mini skirt with a heavy coach bag at their side and I’ll be in my workout pants and comfortable sneakers and I can never catch up to them. In fact, that’s why I have to work out and go to the gym. I need to be in shape just to stalk them.

When my alarm would go off before work (back in the day) I'd get so angery. Then I learned how to get even with my alarm. I'd set my alarm to go off on the weekends, this way, when it goes off, I can say, “Fuck you, alarm clock! I don’t HAVE to go to work, it’s Saturday and I can sleep and sleep and sleep!" But what happens is when I turn it off I can’t fall back asleep!!! AAAAHH!
Damn I love that snooze button. I swear as the years go on, I set my alarm clock earlier and earlier so I can snooze longer and longer. Shit, pretty soon I’ll be setting my alarm to go off about 10 minutes after I go to bed and just snooze for like the next eight hours.

I am so fucking broke. I went to the ATM to withdraw $40. Nothing but dust flew out of the machine. So then I tried to see my account balance. I swear the message on the screen read: “Hahahahahaha!!”

And hopefully I won't be broke for long. I am glad I am rejoining the workforce after being unemployed for the past 3 months. I have become quite the lazy one during my time off. Not only would I not fall asleep till like 5am and get up...oh 'round...2pm...but, I would burn many of my day minutes before I got out of bed just by checking my fucking email from my cell. You see? I literally refused to get out of bed to walk 2 feet to my desk and check my email from my actual computer...and NOT be charged!!! Now That's taking laziness to a whooooole 'nother level. Yes, I am a bum. But I now have a job. I am a bum with a purpose. For I am an Executive Floater... Speaking of which, I need to go to the bathroom and fire a couple of Executive Floaters...