A few months ago I got a fortune - no lie - that said:

You are the crispy noodle in the vegetarian salad of life

What the fuck!?

I am still trying to figure out the fortune. Last night I was out eating Chinese (food) with some friends and friends of friends. At the end of the meal when it came time for all of us to read our fortunes out loud and in all of our stupidly awkward responses we go either "Oooh good one..." [as if the fortune is perfect for him/her OR we go "Aaah" [with a slight nod and squint of an eye or two as if the fortune put everyone in deep thought].

I don't even wanna talk about the idiots that still have to blurt out the stupid addage "in bed" at the end their fortunes. It was funny in High School and UN-like farts it is no longer funny. I, for some reason, get consistently rediculous fortunes. Forget about the "You like Chinese Food" one or "You have the ability to find humor in everything that makes you laugh" [??]. On the VERY rare occasion I'll get an unbelievable fortune like, "Your talents will be greatly rewarded" Or "You will soon come into good fortune" [as if the Chinese somehow knew I was experiencing a string of bad luck]. The great ones I keep either in my wallet or on my refridgerator thinking that is the only way the fortune will eventually come true. And if you throw it out or lose it, well tough luck. The fortune becomes obsolete. I still have a fortune that I got when I was 9 years old that said, "You will be rich and famous, engage in many amazing sexual conquests and you will die a legend." In case it doesn't happen I will ask to be buried with this fortune and the original cookie it came in. I'd like to bring it to God or Budda or whoever the supreme being is and voice my first complaint - "What gives?" I have a feeling he'll say, "Oops! That fortune was supposed to make it's way to River Phoenix but the Chinese Restaurant, Mai Mai Yum Yum in LA closed down and reopened in Central Jersey."

So back to my original point. I told everyone at the table about the "Crispy noodle" fortune I got and none of them believed me. Well being the neurotic fuck that I am, I busted it out of my wallet and passed it around for proof and asked if anyone had any insight. No one could figure it out. They were all stumped. Everyone making absurd guesses to its meaning. "Hmmmm...'You - are - the - crispy noodle - in the - vegetarian - salad - of life' ? Wow!"

We even called over a Chinese waiter to help us decipher this fortune. I figured, he's Chinese, [excuse me, ASIAN] and we assumed he was a professional. A professional what I have no idea but a professional. Some of my best friends are Asian and I don't mean to sound racist, because I am not, but somehow all the Asians that I know personally seem to have a natural wisdom and serenity about them. I gave up the notion that they all know Karate because that would make me a disgusting racist fuck.

So the waiter looks at it, studies it, contemplates it, sniffs it, holds it up to the light, whips out a laser light pen and a #2 Pencil and does the Lithmus Configuration on it. He scans it, wipes his ass with it and finally puts it under a blue spy light. He looks at all of us. He looks really really REALLY ashamed. He is stumped.

So maybe it's one of those rhetorical fortunes like , "Always listen to the sound of one hand clapping."

Or better yet, "He who eats crackers in bed gets crummy [crumby] sleep."

Or EVEN better yet, "Virginity is like balloon. One prick, all gone."

The Chinese waiter then comes back to our table with a bit of excitement exclaiming that it just dawned on him that he knows a highly enlightened monk living alone atop of a mountain in Tibet. I was told that if I ventured up that mountain and endured all of Mother Nature's elements, it would be him and ONLY him that could impart his knowledge, wisdom, and meaning behind this mysterious fortune.

I am Jewish. I love the Chinese and their food, but I hate the cold, and all of Mother Nature's elements. Climbing mountains? Nah, I'll just stick to escalators and stairs.

But I am curious and determined to seek meaning so in all my New York glory I just asked for the monk's cell phone number.

The waiter said I could try his cell but he gets real bad reception up there. Damn!