So this should be fun. I took an Ambien (the best sleeping remedy EVER) not too long ago and decided to write just to see if drugs can answer the age old question we all would love to know. Does drugs enhance creativity or create stupidity? I don't know. This may be the funniest blog ever or the stupidest blog ever. You can decide. I am just going to randomly write what comes to mind and maybe as you are reading will decide at which point in this blog does the drug actually kick in.

So let's have some fun, shall we?

I will eventually turn some of these blogs into a one-man-show that will either be called "The Common Man's Dilemma" or just simply "Monoblogs!" I tried to set up a 1-900 voting system (like for American Idol) for all of you to vote on the title but it turns out it simply costs too much to charge you.

What exactly is Febreze??

My friend must have Feng Shui-ed his apartment correctly because the very next day he won a $10,000.00 NY Post lottery, booked 2 TV pilots, one for NBC and one for ABC both of which got picked up for the fall season so he will be famous shortly, and after that wonderful phone call from his agent he went to get a tuna avacado sandwich at the diner and it was there that he met the woman that he is now engaged to and got pregnant with twins (GO Sperm!!)

I must have Feng Shui'ed my apartment all wrong because the next morning my agent called and decided to drop me from their roster, so no more auditions as an actor. I lost the powerball lottery and as a result from identity theft some asshole cleaned out my bank account. As a result of being flat broke, my superficial girlfriend dumped me for the asshole above who Feng Shui'd his apartment correctly. There really must be something to this Feng Shui shit. Time to put red candles in my love corner, take down the mirrors on my ceiling above my bed and put them in the bathroom with the running water from the broken toilet tank. I will put purple in the living room because that will summon Prince to make a big comeback. What the hell am I talking about. I don't know and I don't care.

All women seem to have tv's the size of an iPod LCD screen and all men seem to have tv's the size of a fucking Lowe's Movie Theater screen. Let's not even talk about the sound system.

I hate Halloween. I never know what to do. It's a lose lose for me. If I dress up I feel like a dick. But...If I don't dress up, I STILL feel like a dick. What gives!?

My therapist has a rule that if I don't cancel a session in less than seven days advanced notice I still have to pay for the session I cancelled even though I am not there. No joke. So I told her that if SHE cancel's without that kind of advanced notice she has to solve all my problems for that particular week during the following session.

I would love to see a real mouse fight a computer mouse in a cage and see who wins. The first primative "Flesh vs. Machine" test.

Speaking of which. I wonder if Laboratory mice warn each other that pretty much everything that's given to them causes cancer. Fuck the mice. Let those rodents die so I can live longer. In fact I wouldn't mind living long enough to see the extinction of rodents and bugs.

It's funny to watch bugs bug each other. They probably call each other "pests" and whatnot. Teasing each other, "Hey 30 eyes, you're a freak!" or "Your mama's such a slut she had 12,000 babies from 30 different males."

Sneakers are perfect for long range walking.

If I had a dime for everytime I lost a dime...umm...shit. I don't know.

Why are nose boogers funnier than eye boogars?? Wanna hear something really really gross. There was a time when I was so broke I could only afford used toilet paper. Gross.

But at least I got Febreze.

I'd like to use this moment to give a big ol' FUCK YOU! to the MTA.

This blog sucks!

Being a guy can suck. The energy, the time, the frivilous dinners and conversations for such a length time just to get a little action. For one week, I want to travel to a planet where all the females are simply hot disease-free sluts who can't procreate. I think that's the real male fantasy. So any female reading this, get ready to hate.

A girl once said that she had a fantasy of being rescued by a man on the ski slopes. She actually had this dream that after she would take a big spill on a double black diamond expert ski slope - some gorgeous skiier would swoop in, pick her up and they'd ski down the mountain together and elope in the ski lodge. Well, naturally I wanted to impress with my own ski slope heroics:

My response to her was this:

Funny you should mention that because I rescued many a fallen woman on the ski slopes. They were all over 60 years old. I helped all of them to their feet. So, you can consider me a hero of sorts. Actually, maybe not since I felt obligated. You see I was the one that knocked them all over in the first place. I am very reckless on the Bunny Slope. I seemed to have made a sport out of snow plowing over old ladies on Bunny Slopes in various ski resorts across the nation. My last incident occured in Snowbird, Utah. Woman was named Edith. Oh, that Edith, what a character. She was holding on for dear life to the tow rope as I snow plowed into her. I was going 1 1/2 miles per hour at a force of -2G's. We both got tangled in the tow rope together. I held on to the wire of her pace maker with my left hand and grabbed hold of her colostomy bag with my right. I did a quick drop, tuck and roll holding on to her and we both escaped from the Rope's wrath. I helped her up. Brushed off the snow, wiped the tears from her eyes, kissed her on the cheek, and quickly snow plowed down the 20 foot hill, popped off my skis, and did my awkward ski boot walk to the lodge and relaxed with some hot chocolate as I reflected on my day's heroics.

As you can pretty much guess the girl looked at me and rolled her eyes. I then said, "Wait! There's more!" I got up and turned around and blew a fart in her face. As she started to walk away briskly I yelled out, "Can I get your number!?"

O.k. I am having sleepy eyes so it's time for the beddy byes.

Creativity or Stupidity? You decide.

Goodnight!