I am told with the right clothes, I can actually look "sexy." I swear. I was told that. And my mom never lies.

So, my friend Howard and I were able to get a good deal at the Abercrombie & Fitch store. With our major Vegas trip coming up on July 4th weekend I decided to do the metro sexual thing and get some...sexy designer clothes. Sexy jeans that accentuate the crotch area, rounds out my butt and maybe low enough so my thong will show.

Kidding about the thong.

We walk into the store and I feel like I am in a freaking club...No, not a club, more like goddamn rave scene!! The music is blasting at ear piercing, glass shattering decibels! I look up at the ceiling thinking that soapy foam will start pouring out. Now I dig loud music as much as anyone but this volume takes "Loud" to a whole new level.

I turned to Howard and shouted, "I FORGOT TO TAKE ECSTASY!" and he shouted back, "DON'T WORRY, I AM SURE THEY HAVE SOME 'X' DOWNSTAIRS IN THE VIP SECTION!"

The sales people were young and looked like they were genetically engineered in a lab to human perfection. All of them so cosmetically blessed that everyone shopping around them, myself and Howard included, looked like a bunch of Cro-Magnons. The sales kids were hip-hop dancing and flirting with each other and secretly laughing at all the pre-historic beasts shopping around them trying to find clothes that will make them look a little more human. Or a little more like the Homo Abercrombus Fitcherectus that work the floors of each store.

I couldn't hear my own thoughts in the store. In order to protect my ears from the shitty music being blasted, I put my iPod on and tied a bandanna tightly around my head to secure the headphones tight against my eardrums and cranked it all the way up. Ah....Bliss.

But now the bass from the store's ten - 60 foot subwufers is so powerful that my organs started to jump, dance, and twist within me. Everything in the store was vibrating. Including the wooden floors. To the point when I didn't have to actually walk. I would just stand in place and ride the floor vibrations to whatever rack of clothes it took me to. Fun.

FINALLY, one of the sales models break danced up to me and asked if I needed help.

SALES MODEL: Do you need any help? [still dancing]

TODD: What!?

SALESMODEL: [putting my ear to her lips] DO YOU NEED ANY HELP!? [shaking her ass in my crotch]

TODD: WHAAAaaat!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

SALES MODEL: I SAID, "DO ---- YOU ---- NEED ---- HELP!?" [doing the macarena]

TODD: OH, YEAH! [doing the robot dance from the '80's] CAN YOU TURN THIS MUSIC DOWN A BIT OR AT LEAST LOWER THE BASS, MY ORGANS ARE VIBRATING SO MUCH THAT I THINK MY COLON SWALLOWED MY ESOPHOGUS! IT LOOKS LIKE THE WINDOWS ARE ABOUT TO SHATTER! PLEASE ---- LOWER ---- THE ---- MUSIC !!

SALES MODEL: I DON'T THINK WE CAN DO THAT. STORE POLICY!

TODD: OH! WELL THEN DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN THIS STORE THAT WILL STOP THE BLOOD FROM SHOOTING OUT OF MY FUCKING EARS?

SALES MODEL: [stops dancing, dumbfounded expression]

TODD: NEVERMIND, I'LL JUST GRAB THIS PRE-WRINKLED, PRE-TORN $79.00 T-SHIRT TO STOP THE BLEEDING! [I do it] THERE! NOW YOU CAN RE-SELL IT FOR AN ADDITIONAL $30.00 WITH FRESH BLOOD STAINS.

Isn't that amazing? There was a time when ripped jeans with stains were given away at the Salvation Army or sold at a ridiculously low-price in a K-Mart for the financially under privileged. NOW, at the clothing factory a team of people purposefully rips them, frays them, stains them, wrinkles them and ships them to the outlets TO BE SOLD FOR A REDICULOUS $150.00! How stupid are we as consumers that we are willing to pay top dollar for clothes that are already wrinkled, ripped, frayed and stained!

Imagine in the future. A BMW Automotive Plant, where a team of employees are beating the shit out of each car with baseball bats. Ripping off the bumpers, bashing in the windows, puncturing a few tires, blasting bullet holes into the vehicle with M16 rifles while the "creative" team of workers spray paints graffiti all over. Oh, let's not forget to top it off with a nice thin layer of bird shit on the roof and hood. Then they bring this newly beat up looking car to the BMW lots and sell it for $250,000.00!

CONSUMER: "Wow! Can't wait to show my friends how rugged I look in this purposefully beat up piece of shit of a brand name car!"

Alright. Now I'm pissed! Allow me to go off on a tangent with this "fucking-the-consumer" bullshit. There was also a time that if you got a cup of coffee that was cold you'd either send it back, or refuse to pay. Now they purposefully put ice in it and charge you $2.00 extra to MAKE IT COLD!? FUCK YOU!! You mean to tell me I have to pay more for you to put FREE ice in my coffee!? SUCK MY DICK!

So back to the Abercrombie and Fitch club. I grab a bunch of cool ripped up jeans and pre-wrinkled shirts and I hip-hop my ass into the dressing room. I try on the clothes, then I moonwalk my ass out of there and I bump and grind with the sales lady back to the register to fork over my life savings.

Did I mention the lighting is so freaking dim that you have no idea really what you are buying. After paying my $430.00 bill, I walked out of the store with 3 wrinkled blouses and 2 completely shredded low rise jeans that should be good for, oh, maybe a one time wearing before I am forced to use them as a makeshift mop for my fucking kitchen floor!

Note to the corporate jerkoffs at ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH: You are trying a little too damn hard to be ultra uber hip. Take it down a notch...or 10. And for crying out loud LOWER THE GODDAMNED MUSIC! I like loud music as much as the next person, but come on! And regarding your rediculous prices for pre-torn, pre-freyed, pre-wrinkled, pre-stained clothes, along with your useless modelly sales people: "FUCK YOU!"

Oops. You probably couldn't hear me over the stores' ear shattering crappy music so let me provide a visual: