I am really not feeling well after a weekend of...well...let's just say it wasn't the healthiest weekend. My stomach hurts, I do have vicodin this time and will take it if it becomes unbearable. Meanwhile the pain is driving me to write as well as the fact that I have another Colonoscopy coming up on July 26th which I am a bit uptight about - which brings me to part II of my Crohn's and the Barium Enima Trilogy.

I discussed the first test in Part I - The Upper GI: The Colon Invasion.

Part II of the testing for Crohn's phase is The Colonoscopy: A Whole New Scope. It happens to be the easiest of the three. Why? Because you get DEMEROL!! ...

[Wow] Cant really say "Demerol" without getting goose bumps all over. Demerol is a drug that makes morphine feel like a tylonol regular strength gel cap. Demerol is good. Really good. Oh Man, really really good [eyes are looking up into the heavens, lost in nostalgic euphoria] [tears of joy] Demerol.

OK - back to reality. Now really, the worst part about this test is simply the "prep." [Prep is the medical hip-hop slang term for - Preparation]

Ah, yes. The fucking prep [gagging]. Excuse me, cant mention "prep" [gag] without gagging.

The prep [gag] is what you have to do before this exam to ensure your intestines are completely clear, and clean so the doctor can easily spot any diseased part of the GI track.

The prep [gag, GAG] are two things you have to ingest. One orally and the other... well you can guess.

They are a puke and shit inducing solution called Fleet Phophosoda and a Fleet Enema. You can pick it up at the local pharmacy and embarrass the shit out of yourself (a pun - hahaha) purchasing it. I'll usually make a joke to the cashier, something along the lines of... "Yeah, um...Spring Cleaning." They just nod, bag my stuff and say, "Have a nice poop!"

The Phosphosoda needs to be diluded in either water or juice or whatever you wouldnt mind ruining the taste for forever after. This is a very thick salt watery solution. Basically, tastes like the Atlantic. This cleans out your bowels the night before the exam. But the morning of the exam, you still have to give yourself the Fleet Enema or you can have a loved one do it for you. It is a small soft [for easy squeezing] plastic bottle filled with a solution which I have no idea what but it does it's job beautifully. The bottle is equipped with a thin (not thin enough) lubricated nozzle for easy insertion. For my first colonoscopy I was 12 and my mom did it. Thats right! My mom gave me an enema. I WAS ON ALL FOURS WHILE MY MOM STUCK A LUBRICATED NOZZLE UP MY ASS AND SQUIRTED A poop INDUCING Solution INTO MY RECTUM!!!!! [starting to tear] I was sodomized by my mother at 12. This is the real reason I am in Therapy [choking back tears]. [to the E! True Hollywood camera crew] - "That's enough! Turn the camera's off. [sniffling] You've seen enough! [crying] TURN THE GODDAMN CAMERAS OFF!"

Again this is all scary for a 12 year old but the doctor reassures me that I wont feel a thing except euphoria.

DOCTOR: What Im about to give you is called Demerol. This is the drug of choice for doctors who become junkies.

TODD: You are about to stick a 4 foot tube with a camera at the end up my ass and clip off parts of my intestinal wall for biopsies I sincerely hope you are NOT one of those doctors!

So he starts the IV drip while 2 female assistants standby. Now, Im 12 years old and have no idea what drugs are or what they feel like. And right now, Im not impressed. He says to lie down on my side and he tells one of his assistants to cut the lights.

TODD: But wait!! Doctor! I dont feel anything! NO! Dont start!

DOCTOR: Relax Todd, we didnt even start the Demerol drip yet. And dont worry, I read Colonoscopies for Dummies so I think I got a handle on it! O.k.?

So he starts it and I feel him starting to lube my ass (shit, Im praying hes not a pedophile). I start freaking out!

TODD: Doc, I dont feel anything, I dont feel anything. Its not working; the Demerol is not wor-- [A HUGE smile suddenly comes over my face. I am now in a place called La La Land. So sweet. So nice. So happy. Oh look - a blue bird. "Hello Mr. Blue Bird"]

The doctor says, "I bet you feel it now huh?"

I say, "I love you doctor! I love your assistants too. I love colonoscopies"

Then I roll over to my side, he takes one look at my butt and jokes, "WHAT AN ASSHOLE!"

Throughout the exam I slipped in and out of consciousness but I remember the doctor and I cracking a few jokes here and there in a Seinfeldian type banter. The doctor said that if I was awake I can see my insides on the monitor so I'd look and say, "Wow, Im pretty photogenic!" - "So doc, you think Im as beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside. And he'd say, "No doubt! You kind of resemble my mother-in-law."

After my next colonoscopy (July 26th, 2006) I will be sure to ask my doctor to give me a bunch 8X10 screen captures of my colon for me to send off to Casting Directors and Agents with a little postcard to go along with them that says, "Wish You Were Here!"