In an effort to clean up my email I had to take a trip down memory lane and reread 100's of emails from not only my present account but also my old email accounts. I never did so in the past, but for some reason after re-reading some of my mother's past email, I couldn't help but smile, and even laugh. Out loud. She really is a funny woman. Not sure why I am sharing this with the public. Maybe you can learn something from a Jewish mother who can't stop worrying about her youngest son. I don't know. Just read and enjoy.

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Regarding my father's outpatient operation:

hi:

aunt marilyn e-mailed me and said helaine [cousin] was listening to Howard Stern yesterday on 9/11 and they replayed your 9/11 interview from 02. did you know they were doing that????

can you check it out or get a replay of his show.

we got home from hospital at 3:30. dad was in and out of surgery in 1 hr by 9:30am but he could not pee so they would not discharge. we sat there till 2pm and have about 10cups of ice water and ice chips - RESULTS. imagine what we take for granted. Urinating - we all applauded him!!!! like a baby's first POOP in the toilet!!!! HA - now he hasn't stopped pissing. oh well. at least it's over and all went well.

gotta go. call later

luv mom.

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To the whole family regarding Labor Day Weekend:

hi all:

this weekend doesn't look too promising weather wise - unless we get awfully lucky and you know how optimistic i am always about the weather - the only thing I'm optimistic about.

so - be prepared - for a nice long weekend of family bonding. bring books, magazines, games, DVD's, CD's etc. to provide entertainment for our stay indoors. however, there are plenty of sales going on to motivate us to SHOP - snacks for all day eating will be had. however, i think drugs/alcohol would probably be better. NO SUGAR for kids - we don't want them hyped up indoors. Our goal anyway is to have fun, treasure our time together!!! and make the best of our last weekend of the season inspite of the weather.

luv mom

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Regarding a bad cough I had:

hi:

don't forget to make an appt and get that cough checked out. it sounds bronchial and if it's not taken care of you will wind up with pneumonia cause you sound run down.

luv mom xoxoxox

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Regarding my Las Vegas Blog:

hi:

that was quite a readfull. thank you for sharing so much with your public - maybe a little too much - looking at the clock - now took me 20mins to read and had to catch up on the Crispy Noodle blog. - at this point dad - is screaming for me to join him on the patio for dinner and just couldn't tear myself away from your infamous BLOGS.

KEEP ON BLOGGING they're terrific.

luv MOM

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Regarding pics I sent from a girl I "reconnected" with:

hi:

got the pics. she looks adorable. is she a redhead???

luv mom

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Regarding Courage & Stupidity (film I did where I played young Steven Spielberg) website:

hi:

great website - actually was able to download it and go thru each category. very good. nice photoshoots.

was at shore for weekend. the Salernos invited us for dinner and we watched the Jets/Pittsburgh game w/them. she made a lasagna w/homemade gravy - and baked an excellent cake - it was all delicious and we had a great time.

we rented 3 movies.

OPEN WATER - disturbing -
DODGE BALL - funny
DOOR IN THE FLOOR - depressing but excellent acting Jeff Bridges and Kim Bassinger

hope you & [ex] had a good weekend - bet you were watching football games and getting ready for Golden Globes - too bad COURAGE & STUPIDITY is not up for a Documentary award.

luv MOM
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hi:

not sure which is your e-mail address anymore so sent to all.

did you forget about dad's b-day -???? gift??? or are you waiting to send his & mine together???? mine is next SUN. MAKE A NOTE!

if you get HBO on demand - catch the Louis Black special. it's hysterical.

snowing here hard & heavy now. we're going to hunker down

luv ya MOM

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Regarding my parents trip to the city and plans to stay at my place:

Hi:

we are planning to come into the city tomorrow - later in the afternoon about 4:00pm is maybe a bit earlier - let's do dinner tomorrow night for your b-day - make a reservation - near your house maybe IL Pomedoro on 73'rd street - near aunt Marilyn - we ate there before w/you unless you have another suggestion nearby locally. not too expensive - or NINO's. or the one next door to Nino's. something close by we could walk to. clean your apt. good - and fresh bedding & towels - please. like we provide for you. Haha.

we'll bring in some bagels from NJ - make sure you have coffee and OJ. some cereal too.

luv MOM

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Hi:

to let you know we will be staying by Lauren & Andrew [sister and brother-in-law]. Fri - Sun. I will probably need an IV drip of high energy like glucose by Sun. night. the girls are high maintenance!!! will keep them away from sugar all weekend.

follow up with your flu shot. being you have a chronic condition you might be eligible to get one.

too bad about Elizabeth Edwards. hope it's in early stage. girls check your breasts.
she now has to undergo 16 weeks of chemo and radiation. see how things work out. could you imagine if Kerry/Edwards were elected and they had to go thru running the country with the stress of battling cancer. Kerry also had prostate cancer.a few years ago.

well have a happy yo all.

luv MOM

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After hearing the news DreamWorks received a copy of Courage & Stupidity:

Hi:

we'll keep our fingers crossed. unlike you, Spielberg is probably heading for Temple tonight for Kol Nidre and fasting his 24hrs. he's very observant of the holidays if I remember correctly. reading it in one of the trash tabloids.

I'm sure you'll get good feedback. perhaps a sign on bonus to one of his projects for a cool $2million and then you can pay off our mortgage at the shore house. thx.!!!! so we'll certainly be praying for you among other things. Health, safety well-being happiness success financial security & stablilty - marriage, babies.

anyway going to yoga and now I take pilates. (that's a hard one) lots of stress on lower back.

dad printed out the photos on the set. great!!!

Third Watch and CSI: NY and Rescue Me all filmed in NYC. maybe you'll land another part after your Law & Order debut.

see you tomorrow. will need your help in helping dad carry out some stuff to the street for discard. like my exercise machines which are outdated.

luv MOM

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After hearing the news I won't be home for the Jewish holiday and giving her thoughts on relationships (sent in 2004):

Hi:

[Ex] is welcome in your place. we'll make her fast for Yom Kippur.. have her take some classes on Judiasm. she probably knows more than us.

her job sounds great - expecially the dress code. new jobs are always overwhelming for the first 6 months. then it's home free. she's smart and will do great. too bad about her cold. have her diss on Emily.

glad she takes good care of you. love the massage bit. can she do me???? I pay $40/month for mine. quite a saving to you

don't care so much about losing the job - just want to be able to collect over the next few months and then I'm eligible for my SS and will remain retired. have had it in the work world for now. but we'll see what happens tomorrow. preparing for warfare.

I know she loves the kids - she's so good w/them and sounds like she wants one of her own. better check your sperm count out. and effects if any on meds you are taking

also remember no one is perfect and the longer you stay single the harder it is to compromise and share. most important things in relationships aside from love/sex are mutual respect, friendship, common likes, interests & dislikes. if you have that you're 99% there.

luv MOM

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Regarding my trip to Utah to film Courage & Stupidity - thinking Salt Lake is a dangerous city:

hi:

hope you had a good flight out to Salt Lake. what did you take to calm yourself?

e-mail us and let me know how it all went. we'll be home this weekend.

good luck out there and enjoy. be vigilant, aware, safe, and keep your head & wits about. keep wallet and ID's protected.

luv MOM

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After hearing the news the folks at DreamWorks loved the film:

Hi:

So very exciting. perhaps this will be your big break but Steven S may be the one to do it for you. hope soon. we'd like our mortgage on the shore house paid off. maybe like a $5,000,000 windfall.

started out for the gym then turned around and came home. is so beautiful out will just go out walking. won't be too many days of this left so want to enjoy.

luv MOM

Posted by Todd Wall at 2:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It is coming up on one year since the end of my last real serious relationship. And what a year it has been. I recently got back from my parents shore house. A lovely weekend which was bittersweet. I love hanging with my family. And playing with my nieces and nephews is a joy in and of itself. Not to mention bonding with my brother, his wife, my brother in-law, sister, and my parents. I can’t help but feel a strange distance with them because our lives are so different. I chose a different path. I chose to move into New York City to pursue my dreams of becoming an actor and to live the life of a bachelor while my brother and sister took the more conventional route and achieved what most would consider the “All American Dream.” The great spouse, the big house, the gorgeous kids, etc. etc. etc.

My last girlfriend helped bridge the gap between me and my family. To my family, she represented stability in my “unstable existence.” I was the “nomadic” artist that roamed from temp job to temp job, woman to woman, relationship to relationship while pursuing and booking acting work. My last girlfriend was an accountant. (Still is – passed her CPA on her first try). She came from a wonderful family and a network of friends that are still in tact. A rarity these days. And most of all, she wasn’t an actress. She had conventional dreams. Dreams that with a little hard work can definitely be realized where as my dreams were quite different. My dream based a little more luck than merit.

During our relationship I have booked some great acting jobs and I even landed a full time job at Lehman Brothers. Things were looking up. Sort of. I was becoming more “stabilized.” And my family loved it. I was growing up. Sort of.

This summer was the first in 4 years hangin’ at the shore house without my ex. It was a bit difficult. The kids loved her. They had even asked about her several times and asked why we broke up. That was a tough one. As I struggled to answer the 9 and 11 year old, their father (my brother in-law) simply said, “She was a chapter in Uncle Todd’s life and now they are both onto another chapter.” I think they asked if we will see each other again and I just said we’ll have to keep reading to find out what happens. Hey, it is at the beach where people do most of their reading hence all the book analogies.

The question my nieces asked me made me think. Hard. Why did I end it? Fear? Depression? Or was it just simply the lack of that “something” in my heart that I desperately needed to feel if we were to continue down the path of “forever after.”

Her birthday was July 28th and I even contemplated sending her a “Happy Birthday” email but knew it was not the right thing to do. Ultimately. And that’s the key word. Living life for the greater good means having to make difficult decisions in the present.

Since I first entered the dating scene back in High School I have had my heart crushed. Blown to smithereens. I have also done my share of heart breaking as well. I must say both sides suck. Hard. Whether you are the “dumper” or the “dumpee.” We all know how hard it is when your heart gets crushed. It is something that all of us have experienced at least once in our lives. We have had to not only nurse our own heartbreaks but also nurse a friend’s as well. The other side of the coin is rarely mentioned. Mainly because the “Dumper” is always looked at as the evil one. The Asshole or bitch who should rot in hell for all of eternity.

It was not an easy decision. In fact, sometimes ending a relationship can be quite agonizing. Especially, if you are a decent person, with a good heart, a strong conscience, and a bit of Jewish guilt thrown into the mix. Ending this relationship was especially hard. I am well aware of the absolutely crushing, sinking feeling when you lose a lover. It is not that much different from finding out someone you know has passed away. Your chest sort of caves in, there is a deep drop in the pit of your stomach (similar to a freefall) which is kind of what happens I guess. When you are being “Let go” you feel like you are in a freefall. A nose dive into a bottomless pit. Your world spins out of control and you just want to absolutely throw up.

I experienced so much mental anguish about ending the relationship mainly because our relationship was relatively good. She was an incredible person. Why or how could I possibly bring myself to hurt such a person?

There was really nothing wrong with her. She was beautiful, intelligent, fantastic body, ambitious and she loved me almost - but not quite - unconditionally. Definitely the most stable girl I think I have met. Stable is a harsh term. No offense to the girls I have dated since her. Some were great and some not so. I would say a more accurate phrase would be that she was just simply the most reliable. Grounded. Alright, fuck it. She was the most stable girl I have dated.

She will make a great mother someday too. My family loved her. And I loved her family. And probably until the end her family loved me. She has always loved my ambition, my passion for acting and always felt even if I didn’t make a great living as an actor I would find my niche within the business and make my mark. That is actually happening here at MTV Networks.

Even though I was nearly 10 years her senior I felt her maturity level and my immaturity level made us around the same age. But, what woman out there doesn’t try to “mother” her boyfriend. And what guy out there isn’t a child at heart. So why did I end it?

For one thing I know I was going through a difficult time. I was very unsure of myself and my career choices. I started to feel the pressure that any couple would feel after being together for any length of time. Everyone was asking when we were getting married. Will we move in together? And people even asked, “So – is she the “one?” When I got a question like that I would hesitate. Everyone who is happily married has told me, there shouldn’t be any hesitation. You simply know when you know. I didn’t have that. And I knew after 3 ½ years of dating that I had to either shit or get off the pot.

So rather than waste her time with my “constipation,” I simply got off the pot. And in the long run, well that would mean nowadays, she is probably much happier.

I cursed God, the universe and every other intangible energy I could think of that I didn’t feel that this was “it”. I also knew it would be quite some time before I met a gem like her.

I always believed because of all her tremendous qualities that she would move on pretty soon after our breakup. And guess what? She did. I dated, but that’s all I really wanted for the time being. I just was at a point in my life where I didn’t want to be so settled. I guess I kind of still am.

Being a bachelor has really allowed me to see just how fucked up this whole world really is. Well not the world, but its inhabitants. Mainly the humans. We suck.

O.k. I am just trying to be funny.

Well, not really.

The breakup not only caused me and her great pain, but my family as well. Maybe the word “pain” for them is a bit strong and melodramatic. But I will say - they were all affected. It was sad and I felt I caused it. I probably felt it most when I visited my family at our shore house. I miss when we used to go down there together. She was wonderful with the kids. When I went down there for the first time this summer on Memorial Day Weekend - without her - it was a bit of a bummer. For me mostly. But also for my mother. She still hadn’t taken down the pictures of us.

Do I regret my decision? Sometimes. There are some real FUCKED up women out there. No need to go into detail about this. I made my bed. And I will lie in it and hope for the best. I still enjoy meeting and dating women. The more fucked up they are I guess the funnier my stories become.

I did make the most of my summer though. Splitting my time between living the life of an irresponsible bachelor (remember Las Vegas?) and the life of a responsible Uncle. The summer at the shore house was definitely not the same without her. Aside from the obvious reasons, we also had a bedroom which is now designated for the kids. And the punishment for exiting the domestic life of coupledom and re-entering the life of bachelorhood – Uncle Todd has been re-assigned new sleeping quarters. The living room couch. God I miss my ex. Goodnight.

Posted by Todd Wall at 4:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My September 11th Experience
(AKA Howard Stern Saved My Life)

I woke up on the most beautiful Tuesday morning ever! Surprising since the night before was a very intense thunder storm that nearly kept me up all night. Which sucked because I had to be up a little earlier than usual to make up for the fact that I left work early the day before to go to an audition. My plan was to work from 8:30am to 6:30pm. Where was work? Marsh & McLennan. The 96th floor of the north tower at the World Trade Center.

6:30am. Alarm goes off. I curse. I hit snooze.
6:45am. Alarm goes off and snooze again.
7:00am. Alarm goes off and I curse and shut the alarm off and went about my daily morning routine: Shit, showered, shaved, brushed my teeth and clicked on the Howard Stern show while I was getting dressed.

7:15am and my mood starts to change and I am feeling a little extra happy. Life is beautiful. I am dating a beautiful girl. I have a great temp job which pays well enough and is flexible enough to allow me to audition for acting work whenever such an opportunity arose. For once, I am up early enough where I don’t have to rush. In fact, at the rate I was going I was probably going to get to my desk by a little after 8am.

7:30am and I am dressed and ready to leave my apartment. It takes exactly 45minutes from my apartment to my desk. All I have to do is turn off the radio, leave and I will get there by 8:15am. But instead I fucking get caught up in Howard’s Radio Show. Fuck me. O.k. I’ll just wait for him to cut to commercial. Which should be any second because he kept saying how he was going to take a break. But his sidekick Robin Quivers interrupted him and they don’t break.

7:45am and they haven’t broke for commercial. FUCK!. I have to leave now if I want to get there at exactly 8:30am. I don’t. I stick it out.

7:50am FINALLY they cut to commercial and now I am going to be late. Cursing myself, Howard Stern, and God for making me so irresponsible, (You’d figure I’d hold myself responsible for my irresponsibility but like many of us – I don’t)

I click off the radio and as I pass through my kitchen to my front door my roommate and childhood friend, Alex is just heading into the shower. He made a groggy, pasty mouthed early morning comment – about me leaving early. He was a bit surprised since he is almost always out the door before me. We exchanged grunts:

Alex: Uh.
Todd: Uh.

Translation:

Alex: See ya later.
Todd: Later.

I nearly ran all the way from my apartment on 70th and 1st Ave all the way to the 6 Train on 68th and Lex.

8:00am I arrive at the subway station I see the subway pulling away. Naturally I curse myself out again. At first I was going to be extra early, then on time and now I will actually be late. The next train pulls in a couple of minutes later and I am off. Afraid to look at my watch. I didn’t want to be reminded of how late I am running. Luckily at 42nd street the number 5 express train is there at the station waiting to take me (and thousands of others). I rode the subway to the Fulton/Dey Street stop. Right by the front of the Towers. As I start walking up the steps I hear the loudest explosion and screams from the street. The sound was dull – like car accident. I thought maybe a truck just drove over a loose iron grate but the moment I emerged onto the street, not really thinking, I started to make way toward Church Street and to the plaza in front of the towers. Quickly a MASSIVE crowd of tear filled, terrified pedestrians started to form. I hear a barrage of “Holy Shits!" Everyone looking up and pointing.

I look up and see the upper floors of Tower 1 on fire. Debris falling. What the FUCK just happened? 1st thought, as stupid as it sounds, but I thought it was a massive kitchen fire? Then I thought maybe suicide bomber.

I hear the crowd which started to amass quickly scream in unison, “NOOOooo!”

And that’s when I see the first body falling. The debris I saw moments before was not debris. They were people. The first that I saw was a heavy set man. I was fixated on his flailing body. Watching him - all the way down until he hit the plaza in the sickest loudest thud.

Actually, it didn’t sound like a thud at all. In the movies it sounds like a thud, in real life, the sound was that of a car crash. A loud, dull pop. After slamming into the concrete - what was once the form of a human being – is now a pinkish red blotch on the ground.

I was now jolted into a reality I never knew existed. My heart is pounding so hard. The fright of seeing a human being fall to their death is so inexplicable. So horrifying.

Like the rest of the crowd I am fixated on the upper floors - where I work. I see a body hanging out, of the upper floors, and again, the crowd screams “No! Nooo!” I want to shut my eyes but I can’t. My eyes do the opposite. They widen. I am paralyzed. In absolute awe. Horror. My breath is being sucked out of me. Another body, and another, then two together. All like falling debris crashing into the pavement. Pop after pop.

No real way to describe the sickening sight. The heat I can feel on the ground. The sound of the screaming and crying horrified people around me. A burning metallic scent fills the air.

As the crowd and I watch on in horror the upper floors of Tower I from across the street, a rolling/rumbling sound is heard over in tower II. A second or two later, just as a sea of heads turn in unison towards tower II - the upper floors blow out – an actual explosion. A huge fireball. Glass and steel raining down. The sound again was dull, no echo, no reverb, not like the movies. It sounded like two 18 wheelers hitting head on. A loud, dull, metallic, crash. My first thought is a suicide bomber. We are under attack.

I still had no idea that two commercial jets had slammed into the towers. In a matter of seconds what runs through my mind is that I am going to get crushed. Either by the top part of Tower II which looked like it was about to topple over on me, or I would get trampled to death by the sea of screaming, terrified people running toward me.

Again, I was paralyzed (good to know my fucking fight or flight senses are in check – must be from all the pot I smoked in college.)

I then feel a tug on my arm and I turn to run with the crowd. I duck around the corner and into City Hall Park. I sit on a bench. Shocked. Totally bewildered. Frightened. Alone. “What is going on?!?” I do not cry yet. I couldn’t. Still can’t process what is going on. Too much confusion. Then I run into a fellow employee. She had a blackberry. She is hysterical. She says she is getting pages from our fellow employees that were trapped up there.

Most I assume were killed on impact. But some survived the initial impact of the jet. They are in untouched pockets of the building. The texts were so sad, so scary and so desperate,

“Send help!”
“Where are they”
“Walls are collapsing”
“Ceilings are falling”
“We’re trapped”
“Gotta go, fire’s…”
“Tell family I love them.”

Then I hear the loudest, roaring, rolling sound. Like 20 subway trains speeding by a station. Thunderous. Utterly deafening screams. I look up and I see the top part of tower II fall out of site from behind the building now obstructing my view.

We all ran and I get separated from my fellow employee. I don’t know where to go. I tried frantically to contact friends, family. All phones are down. No cell signal. I walk to my friend Ariana’s apartment on Elizabeth Street. I buzz. No answer. I sit on her stoop wondering what to do next. Still no tears. Just shock. Complete and utter shock.

After about 5 minutes or so I start my trek back to the Upper East Side. No way to get up there but to walk.
Seeing my fellow New Yorkers. All so fucking brave. Holding one another. Crying. Walking aimlessly. I stop at various parked cars where people are huddled to listen to the news reports on the car radios. That’s when I first learn about the attacks.

MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

I keep walking. Uptown. While I continue to try contacting my family and friends. Making my way through the rolodex on my cell phone. Finally, about 5 blocks shy from my street I reach my friend Ariana. She is at work.

“Oh my God. Todd! Where are you! I was so worried. Are you there?!” Silence. I just can’t get the words out. “I’m, - umm…I—People,” Then I hear her start to cry. “Todd, are you o.k.? Where are you?”

“People jumping. Bodies. Exploding. Planes…Family…”

I finally loose it. My eyes well up and tears finally release. All my efforts to control them go in vein. I am now balling my eyes out. Just then I feel a gentle squeezing and rubbing of my shoulders as I tell Ariana to call my family because I can’t get in touch with them. I give her the number of my parents, hang up the phone, and collapse to the curb after learning Tower I also fell.

Some girl, I guess the person who was rubbing my shoulders moments before sat with me. Held me. Rubbed my shoulders. She asks if I am going to be o.k. I can’t answer. “Would you like me to make you tea or something?” I wave her off. I am empty. Drained. And needed to be alone. I feel her presence get up to leave me.

I look at my watch. 11:20am. I look back at the cute girl as she walks away from me. I watch her for a few moments. In the nation’s most catastrophic day in recent history, in the city’s greatest moment of despair, and tragedy that I personally witnessed and experienced - the first thought that crosses my mind as this sweet comforting woman walks down the street away from me was, “Damn. She’s got a great ass.”

The Wrap Up

And then it dawns on me. Had I not been listening to Howard Stern that morning I would have been at my desk before 8:45am. I would have perished. That could have been me up there. And the nightmares that have subsided quite a bit over the years still haunt me from time to time. What would I have done had I survived the impact? Would I have jumped? If I did, what would have been my thoughts, if any, on the way down? Would there be any sensation at the moment of impact or would it just simply be lights out? If I chose not to jump, would I have burned? Would I have suffocated? Who would I have made my last call to? What would I have said? What would I have felt? Would I have been terrified or would I have had an eerie calm? Would I see God? Would I just cease to exist? All these questions were answered in nightmares playing out almost every possible scenerio of what might have happened had I got to my desk on time that morning. Thank you Howard Stern for being so entertaining. Your show saved my life. Literally.

Marsh & McLennan lost close to 300 employees, including 12 of who I knew personally and one, Dan Crisman, who I just started to make friends with outside the work place. He was 25.

If you want you can click on the link below and scroll down to download my conversation with Howard Stern on his radio show on the 1 year anniversary of September 11.

http://www.toddwall.tv/multimedia.asp

Posted by Todd Wall at 2:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)