It is coming up on one year since the end of my last real serious relationship. And what a year it has been. I recently got back from my parents shore house. A lovely weekend which was bittersweet. I love hanging with my family. And playing with my nieces and nephews is a joy in and of itself. Not to mention bonding with my brother, his wife, my brother in-law, sister, and my parents. I can’t help but feel a strange distance with them because our lives are so different. I chose a different path. I chose to move into New York City to pursue my dreams of becoming an actor and to live the life of a bachelor while my brother and sister took the more conventional route and achieved what most would consider the “All American Dream.” The great spouse, the big house, the gorgeous kids, etc. etc. etc.

My last girlfriend helped bridge the gap between me and my family. To my family, she represented stability in my “unstable existence.” I was the “nomadic” artist that roamed from temp job to temp job, woman to woman, relationship to relationship while pursuing and booking acting work. My last girlfriend was an accountant. (Still is – passed her CPA on her first try). She came from a wonderful family and a network of friends that are still in tact. A rarity these days. And most of all, she wasn’t an actress. She had conventional dreams. Dreams that with a little hard work can definitely be realized where as my dreams were quite different. My dream based a little more luck than merit.

During our relationship I have booked some great acting jobs and I even landed a full time job at Lehman Brothers. Things were looking up. Sort of. I was becoming more “stabilized.” And my family loved it. I was growing up. Sort of.

This summer was the first in 4 years hangin’ at the shore house without my ex. It was a bit difficult. The kids loved her. They had even asked about her several times and asked why we broke up. That was a tough one. As I struggled to answer the 9 and 11 year old, their father (my brother in-law) simply said, “She was a chapter in Uncle Todd’s life and now they are both onto another chapter.” I think they asked if we will see each other again and I just said we’ll have to keep reading to find out what happens. Hey, it is at the beach where people do most of their reading hence all the book analogies.

The question my nieces asked me made me think. Hard. Why did I end it? Fear? Depression? Or was it just simply the lack of that “something” in my heart that I desperately needed to feel if we were to continue down the path of “forever after.”

Her birthday was July 28th and I even contemplated sending her a “Happy Birthday” email but knew it was not the right thing to do. Ultimately. And that’s the key word. Living life for the greater good means having to make difficult decisions in the present.

Since I first entered the dating scene back in High School I have had my heart crushed. Blown to smithereens. I have also done my share of heart breaking as well. I must say both sides suck. Hard. Whether you are the “dumper” or the “dumpee.” We all know how hard it is when your heart gets crushed. It is something that all of us have experienced at least once in our lives. We have had to not only nurse our own heartbreaks but also nurse a friend’s as well. The other side of the coin is rarely mentioned. Mainly because the “Dumper” is always looked at as the evil one. The Asshole or bitch who should rot in hell for all of eternity.

It was not an easy decision. In fact, sometimes ending a relationship can be quite agonizing. Especially, if you are a decent person, with a good heart, a strong conscience, and a bit of Jewish guilt thrown into the mix. Ending this relationship was especially hard. I am well aware of the absolutely crushing, sinking feeling when you lose a lover. It is not that much different from finding out someone you know has passed away. Your chest sort of caves in, there is a deep drop in the pit of your stomach (similar to a freefall) which is kind of what happens I guess. When you are being “Let go” you feel like you are in a freefall. A nose dive into a bottomless pit. Your world spins out of control and you just want to absolutely throw up.

I experienced so much mental anguish about ending the relationship mainly because our relationship was relatively good. She was an incredible person. Why or how could I possibly bring myself to hurt such a person?

There was really nothing wrong with her. She was beautiful, intelligent, fantastic body, ambitious and she loved me almost - but not quite - unconditionally. Definitely the most stable girl I think I have met. Stable is a harsh term. No offense to the girls I have dated since her. Some were great and some not so. I would say a more accurate phrase would be that she was just simply the most reliable. Grounded. Alright, fuck it. She was the most stable girl I have dated.

She will make a great mother someday too. My family loved her. And I loved her family. And probably until the end her family loved me. She has always loved my ambition, my passion for acting and always felt even if I didn’t make a great living as an actor I would find my niche within the business and make my mark. That is actually happening here at MTV Networks.

Even though I was nearly 10 years her senior I felt her maturity level and my immaturity level made us around the same age. But, what woman out there doesn’t try to “mother” her boyfriend. And what guy out there isn’t a child at heart. So why did I end it?

For one thing I know I was going through a difficult time. I was very unsure of myself and my career choices. I started to feel the pressure that any couple would feel after being together for any length of time. Everyone was asking when we were getting married. Will we move in together? And people even asked, “So – is she the “one?” When I got a question like that I would hesitate. Everyone who is happily married has told me, there shouldn’t be any hesitation. You simply know when you know. I didn’t have that. And I knew after 3 ½ years of dating that I had to either shit or get off the pot.

So rather than waste her time with my “constipation,” I simply got off the pot. And in the long run, well that would mean nowadays, she is probably much happier.

I cursed God, the universe and every other intangible energy I could think of that I didn’t feel that this was “it”. I also knew it would be quite some time before I met a gem like her.

I always believed because of all her tremendous qualities that she would move on pretty soon after our breakup. And guess what? She did. I dated, but that’s all I really wanted for the time being. I just was at a point in my life where I didn’t want to be so settled. I guess I kind of still am.

Being a bachelor has really allowed me to see just how fucked up this whole world really is. Well not the world, but its inhabitants. Mainly the humans. We suck.

O.k. I am just trying to be funny.

Well, not really.

The breakup not only caused me and her great pain, but my family as well. Maybe the word “pain” for them is a bit strong and melodramatic. But I will say - they were all affected. It was sad and I felt I caused it. I probably felt it most when I visited my family at our shore house. I miss when we used to go down there together. She was wonderful with the kids. When I went down there for the first time this summer on Memorial Day Weekend - without her - it was a bit of a bummer. For me mostly. But also for my mother. She still hadn’t taken down the pictures of us.

Do I regret my decision? Sometimes. There are some real FUCKED up women out there. No need to go into detail about this. I made my bed. And I will lie in it and hope for the best. I still enjoy meeting and dating women. The more fucked up they are I guess the funnier my stories become.

I did make the most of my summer though. Splitting my time between living the life of an irresponsible bachelor (remember Las Vegas?) and the life of a responsible Uncle. The summer at the shore house was definitely not the same without her. Aside from the obvious reasons, we also had a bedroom which is now designated for the kids. And the punishment for exiting the domestic life of coupledom and re-entering the life of bachelorhood – Uncle Todd has been re-assigned new sleeping quarters. The living room couch. God I miss my ex. Goodnight.